Sex is a part of a relationship, but it’s not the foundation.

Okay, hear me out: You should try your best to wait until you’re married to have sex.

“What?! That’s such an outdated idea! Nobody does that anymore!”

Actually, more people than you might think have come to the conclusion that it’s better to wait until marriage to have sex because there are a lot of good reasons for it. The wait-til-marriage norm of the past didn’t just come out of thin air — it was the result of the earned wisdom of many, many generations of people who realized it had a lot of benefits for singles and couples.

Here’s why.

You’ll weed out guys who don’t care about you

A lot of people today are just seeking instant gratification from their relationships. They want to be in relationships just for sex, with no strings attached or expectation of a long-term commitment.

Holding off on sex helps you to see if a guy is actually interested in a long-term relationship. It also helps you to see clearly whether the guy you’re dating is with you for the right reasons. If he’s into the idea of waiting, that’s a good sign he’s not just interested in using you or fulfilling some hedonistic desires. It shows he respects you and likes you for more than your body: your intellect, sense of humor, talents, etc.

You’ll build a strong relationship foundation

A relationship needs to be built on a foundation of shared values and vision. Sex is a part of a relationship, but it’s not the foundation. When you take sex off the table, you can more clearly see if the two of you are truly compatible. Otherwise, you will cloud your judgment and have a harder time assessing character. Our bodies make a lot of bonding chemicals when we have sex, which can trick us into thinking we’re connected to someone more deeply than we actually are. If you hold off on sex, it will make it much easier to truly get to know the person you’re with.

Waiting helps you practice self-control

Waiting is a good way to practice self-control and personal boundaries. The beauty of self-control is that you can apply it to many other areas of your life! Making a choice and sticking to it is what it means to have conviction. Conviction is about being self-assured and doing the right thing. Waiting is great practice for setting boundaries for yourself, which is an essential practice for all other areas of your life. Saying “no” now makes room for a much stronger “yes” later.

You won’t take intimacy for granted

One time, I went camping in the woods of Big Sur for a week, and when I came back I was so grateful to have running water. I was struck by how the absence of any plumbing in the wilderness made me appreciate it so much more when I finally had it again! When you go without something for an amount of time, the contrast of finally having it makes you a lot more grateful for it. Otherwise, you might not even realize you’d been taking it for granted. Sacrificing something in the present for the future makes you appreciate it that much more.

Waiting makes your marriage more meaningful

Sex is the consummation of a relationship, not the basis of it. It’s not for no reason that consummating a marriage is a deeply-rooted tradition in every culture. It cements your relationship and holds you together.

There are several studies that show waiting makes married sex better. A 2010 study of over 2,000 married couples found that waiting led to more satisfying sex lives after marriage. Couples also reported that their marriages were more stable and satisfying than couples who had sex early in their relationship.

Closing thoughts

There’s a lot of value in waiting to have sex until marriage, and it was a social norm for a long time because it led to many benefits. It’s an opportunity to deepen your relationship with both yourself and your partner.

Article first published in Evie Magazine.

Over the past years, the valley of Kashmir is going through a government job mania. Though many doomster op-ed pieces and posts have been coming out of the valley in the past. You will find most of these anecdotes, men and women are getting hitched up by seeing benefits rather conscience and moral values. And these marriages soaked with greed have fattened into what is being described as a matter of grave concern with serious repercussions.

Since Kashmir is a Muslim majority state and marriage is a part of faith. It is a part of the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad – peace be upon him. So if we want to have healthy Muslim families then “Deen” has to be first. It must be acknowledged in our thoughts and actions. Therefore there is a criterion for selecting a marriage partner.

Normally the criterion for selecting matrimonial mates are many: wealth, beauty, rank, character, congeniality, compatibility, religion, caste and handsome job etc. But Prophet Muhammad – peace be upon you, recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (Deen) and character.

Having said that we as a Muslim majority are doing a complete opposite. Our selection for a groom is merely restricted to the government job. Taking the past marriages of Kashmir into consideration parents/elders were playing an important role in choosing the spouses. And they were involving a third party as well.

That third party was also helping to verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. These person(s) often checks references about the individual’s character and behavior and looks out for your best interest in general. But when we have restricted our selection to a government job. We actually turn a vision-less eye to his other activities. Though it is a good fortune if we can find a groom having government job along with the good character. Having a handsome job but not a good character leads to terrible consequences.

If you want a successful marriage, marry a person who already has a good character, not the potential who maybe/perhaps/someday evolve in the man of your dreams.

Why does character matter? Because life is hard and you need someone who does the right thing even when it’s not convenient. Not someone who has potential to do the right thing someday down the road. We as a brother, as a father or whatever, advise considering character and values above all else, including physical attractiveness and chemistry.

On the other hand, choosing a well-mannered man rather a man with a government job only leads to curtailing the other evils like dowry, expensive receptions, unnecessary rituals and customs etc. Moreover, the wedding becomes affordable for economic weaker families as well.

I must be the one to suggest to the parents and caretakers, not to marry your daughters to the grooms having government jobs only. It has been observed the main and basic demand from the bride’s side has always been a government job. Since the majority of families still have a conservative set-up among their family system, it is unacceptable for them to accept a boy who is working at a private firm. This mindset will create another shadow of uncertainty.

Even though a well-mannered, educated men without a government job fell into despair and they think that not having a government job is a curse in Kashmir. In fact successive governments have failed to create enormous job opportunities in the valley that is adding up to miseries as well.

The nuisance of government jobs has created a huge vacuum in our society, for that we must need to rejuvenate our ideas in order to eradicate this social depravity.

Faissal Farooq Mir is an emerging writer from Kashmir. He can be reached at info.mirfaissal@gmail.com.

Marriage needs work at every phase. Little efforts now and then.

Married life is a great blessing from God Almighty but the real challenge is to keep the life smooth and healthy. Below is the checklist a married couple has to always keep in mind while going through the thick and thin of life-challenges.

Respect

It’s a very big factor in married life. There should always be respect between adults. There is unspoken boundaries that neither of them should cross. One such is insulting parents of each other during arguments.

Degrading each other with hurtful words , however time passes but the memory remains.

Understanding

To know a subject or how a thing works, we make efforts to understand it. We are least bothered about things that are insignificant to us.

Invest a small portion of your time to understand them, to know where they are coming from. Something might seem irrational to you but could mean the world to them.

A little understanding and a little compromise goes a long way.

Take turns in being strong

It is wrong to expect maturity from one spouse in all situations. If the spouse who usually is more matured but at times seems vulnerable or not up to a situation, don’t belittle them, it’s your turn to be strong and kind.

Pacifying

We need to put our egos aside in relationships. Every human being likes to be cared, pampered and valued. Sometimes all needed is a hug and a listening ear to relieve a burdened heart.

A little coaxing, tiny efforts in cheering them up when they feel low boosts the love like nothing else.

It’s unfair to always expect the other person to come forward for making up after quarrels or fights.

Sometimes we need to initiate that process.

Forgiveness

It makes the relationship easy going. Forgiving each other easily, not reading more into the situation that what it actually is, learning from mistakes and not holding grudges from previous incidents makes the life a lot easier and smooth.

Lending a hand when needed. Don’t be oblivious to situations. There is no your world and my word. Be a little attentive and helpful.

Appreciate each other at the end of the day. Keep the good qualities of your partner written somewhere. Make a point to look at it when you are angry with them, it will make us understand that all humans are imperfect, current bad trait doesn’t wipe out their entire goodness.

Clear Communication and addressing things when both are calm and quiet and not when angry. Ignoring the matters may lead to harboring of dislike and it will burst out in an ugly manner when it gets too much.

Address what is bothering you. Each can explain what the other can do. So that if any needs are unmet, a solution could be worked out.

The Divorce card or the Word separation

Don’t throw the word around often. It doesn’t need to come into the conversations at all. A broken marriage is what the devil desires after polytheism.

Mini disputes and quarrels should never reach that D-word. Keep that card locked away in closet and throw the key.

Only desperate times calls for desperate measures. That should be the last thing one should think of saying to each other.

Among 8 out of 10 cases where couples are unhappy, this is one of the significant reasons that husband brings divorce in every little situation.

What if God makes it a reality? Is it so easy to give up on each other? That move has no goodness. Avoid it and see the difference for yourself.

Guilt should mellow us down, it should not make us defensive or aggressive. A simple apology does the trick. Do not go about it in the round about way.

Emotions count more than materialistic things. Being logical is great but sometimes giving heart an edge over brain works better.

Give your home an ambience where both the partners feel happy and positive.

Don’t make rules so rigid that one feels happy while the other just think it as never ending maze of work and expectations. It should be place of peace for both of them.

Romance

Doesn’t mean a hi-fi date or extravagance. Sharing a common hobby, spending time with each other over it. Sending a surprise sweet messages. Dressing up for just them. Giving Compliments when the other person makes an effort.

Don’t make the other person feel like “You are equal to one of the walls of our house” – acknowledge their conversations. Pay them attention.

10 minutes of our undivided time. Even sitting in silence should be cosy and comfortable.

Marriage needs work at every phase. Little efforts now and then. Otherwise we would be same as our forefathers.

Dr. Umme Talhah Zareena is an MBBS Doctor, currently living in Dammam Saudi Arabia. She often writes about faith, health and parenting.